Reviews For Shattered Memories


Name: Darkened-Storm (Signed) · Date: Jan 16 2022 04:18 AM · For: A Fated Meeting

Oft, this chapter is much weightier 

First off, you need to fix the formatting. The text is grey and near impossible to read in either archive skin... alas

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This is looking really good, again just watch where the dialogue is dragging on a bit. You want dialogue to be punchy when it's written, it's not like dialogue when you or I speak in person, every line serves a purpose. 

Also just check - is the dude's name Blake or Black, you've used both 

 

ROFL, how do you get Dick from Richard???? 

 

Anyhoo, I'm enjoying this!



Author's Response:

Huh damn, I never noticed the font colour ended up like that XD That's what I get for Copy-Pasting from Tumblr, I'll go ahead and fix that. 

I'll keep an eye on the dialogue for the rest of the chapters I'm redrafting, then I'll return to these redrafted chapters and fix them up.

Boy's name is Blake, but his nickname is Black and because it's used more than his actual name, it's the name used in the narrative :) 

 

Thanks for the feedback, and I'm glad you're enjoying it! 

 

 



Name: Darkened-Storm (Signed) · Date: Jan 16 2022 04:11 AM · For: Withered Rose

Oooh so I've never read this and I am intrigued... It's a good start but I think a few things can be improved ... 

Okay opening scene, I think perhaps alluding to the fact that the bedroom is empty and that Rosa is the only person in the room might help build the suspense a little better because it's not all that clear that Rio is speaking in Rosa's head 

The banter between the sisters is cute, but it gets a bit lost amongst all the banter between Rosa and Rio. Most of the dialogue could probably be cut down into fewer sentences. 

Ooh - ooh! A boy ... where did he come from! 



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